I think I need a friend to talk to. But then again, talking won’t help me anyway. I know what I want. I know what I need. A friend can’t give it to me. Well, not any more anyway. Bah. Oh well, guess I’ll just tumblr.

Hello

I’ve been thinking about posting for a couple days now. Maybe couple of weeks even. So here I am. Finally. Done a forgot password, reset it, created a new password. Oh, and about what I wanted to talk about? Well, this post isn’t it. lol. *huge sigh* *sign off*

My side of the story – Loverboy

This is the last part of a four part post. Read intro here.

***

I’ve already explained how things got “complicated” (or “fucked up”, the way I describe it) between me and The Princess, and the Bees. I accept that there are my faults. And like I explained in the intro, I care very little about other people. But these people I’ve just mentioned above, they were the closest people to me after family. They were the next most important people in my life, after family. And things didn’t work out between us. Maybe things will work out, maybe they won’t. It saddens me that I can’t honestly call Mr Bee my close friend. And it’s sad that I won’t talk to Mrs Bee because I feel like I’m breaching some kind of ethical code of conduct if I do that. So I basically shut her out. Not the most civilised thing to do, but that’s what I did. Things get so messed up that it’s sad. As for The Princess, well, I won’t go into that. I guess I’m more saddened by what happened between me and the Bees.

This post isn’t going to be like my previous two posts. Loverboy an I, we’re still good friends. Looks like the only close friend I got left. Well, I’ve still not made peace with not calling the Bees close friends, but I can definitely say that I do not think of The Princess as a close friend. That was a very easy decision to make.

Don’t really know what to say about me and Loverboy. I mean, there are no problems between us. Well, other than the fact that I’d only call him if I needed his help. That’s just me though. And I’ve told him that it’s not my thing to call up friends and then talk to them. Chatting online is OK. But actually calling someone to talk, when I don’t have any other reason to; I just can’t do it. I know it’s not a good thing, and I know he’ll feel like I’m using him too. So I did try calling him one day. With no other reason other than to just talk. I’ll tell you, that was the stupidest call I ever made. It was like we had nothing to talk about. But get this; he’s a very nice guy, and he’ll call his friends from time to time, see how they’re doing and all, and he’d call me like that too. And when he does that, it’s like we can talk for ages! Haha, funny, I know! But we can. We’d be talking about technology and phones and cool stuff and random stuff and obviously, girls too. I can’t do it though. As in call for no reason and talk. But when I’m on the receiving end, it’s like I can go on talking too. It amuses me, but that’s just me. I’ve told him a million times too, that it’s just not be to call up and stuff. But we do go out. We do use the all familiar expression, “coffee akah dhaan”, and we’d go and talk. So don’t think the friendship is in trouble. But I can’t help feeling that he’ll be thinking I’m using him. Don’t get e wrong, I do care for him, and he knows that. I lookout for him, too. Things like that, I’m good at. It’s only when trying to communicate verbally that I’m in trouble. But like I said, when we go out, “cyclega burujahan”, then it’ll be OK. Funny.

I’m difficult. I know that. But I still have friends who care about me. So I can’t be all bad, right? Yeah, and then you’ll point at how fucked up things are with my other three close friends. 3/4 gone. Only one left. *sigh* Well, I’ve recently befriended someone new. She trusts me and talks to me. She even said herself she wonders why she never bothered to talk to me back when we were working together. It was by chance that we started a chat this one day, and I felt like she trusted me then. There was sometime between that and the next time we talked. It started as a Facebook thread, and she would confide in me. Then we’d talk. We Skyped the other day, and it went on for more than 8 hours straight. Still think I’m a bad person? I was thinking that it was me who was the problem; my being difficult that was leading to my friendships ending or getting fucked up. Then this happens, and I’m wondering, I didn’t change anything. Yet she seems to like talking to me. Maybe it ISN’T all my fault. Maybe it’s just some of those shitty things that happen to everyone. Rocky road, and sometimes you fall over. But yes, I am difficult. All I can say is that you should accept me with all my faults, and there are people who do it. The most recent proof is this girl I just told you about. Oh, and her name? I’ll call her Hotness Unlimited 😉 HU for short xD

So this is it; end of this serial post. Until next time, this is the comma,, signing out.

Protected: My side of the story – Mr & Mrs Bumble Bee

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My side of the story – The Princess

This is a continuation from my last post. Read it here.

***

The Princess and I, we used to be very close friends. Yes, I chose the phrase “used to be”. Do we still talk though? Yes, we do. She’s a friend. Not a close friend. This is made obvious by the fact how different our conversations are. She pretends that everything is OK between us. And that nothing fucked up happened. I don’t believe that just because she can’t be bothered to address what happened, it means that I should pretend that nothing happened. Neither do I believe that I should be the person to point out that there’s something terribly wrong with our (“close”) friendship. Why should I? If she can’t be bothered, I’m certainly not going to go upto her and say, “hey, you know how fucked up things are between us? You know why that happened?”.

I haven’t struck up (i.e. started) a conversation with her in quite some time; she’s been the one who’s been doing that since it happened. She’s been starting chats with me anytime she saw me online on MSN. It’s quite clear from our conversations that they’re lacking all the fun we used to have. Yet she till pretends that everything is OK. Being completely oblivious to the change, while knowing fully well that we’re not OK.

For God’s sake, we were so close. We used to be on each other’s walls on Facebook. We used to chat for hours on MSN. Sometimes till morning came. We lost track of time when we were both talking to each other. And then, after all that, we’d text each other like crazy, too, back when I was in Male’. We stuck to MSN when I was abroad. That’s how close we were. And now, nothing of that. But, of course, everything’s still the same, right? Bullshit. Everything we had, it’s gone now.

You might wonder why I never bothered to tell her what was wrong myself. This post looks like I’m complaining about her not asking me what the problem is with our friendship. Or what problem I have with her or our close friendship. And that I’m blaming all this on her. Of course, you would understand why I’m having problems if you really knew the whole story. But the thing is that I can’t tell you right here. For one thing, it’s a matter between me and her, and I will not publicly announce it. I would have, if this was an anonymous blog. Unfortunately, it’s not, and there are people who knows my identity. Secondly, it’s silly announcing it all when she herself doesn’t know. I would have written about everything if she knew about it. But again, that’s not the case.

I will, however, attempt to explain it to you: Imagine that you were given a book by a friend. Imagine that she told you that the book cost £1M. You would obviously treasure the book, wouldn’t you? And you would think very highly of that friend. Now imagine you were very close friends with her because of the expensive gift. You obviously appreciate her generosity. Now imagine that you got very sick, and you had no money. And you think of the book, and the money you could get by selling it. You’d be able to get treatment for your illness. So you decide to sell it, and find out that it wasn’t worth even £10. She’d lied to you. And you find that out in your time of need. Imagine that you somehow found another way to treat yourself. You’d obviously not care so much about the book, now. You might still be friends with the girl who gave you the book, but maybe not so close. If she happened to ask you why you weren’t so close, you’d tell her that in your time of need, when you needed money and the only option you had was sell the book, you found out that it was worthless, and therefore could not afford to get any medication. It was only by sheer chance that you got some money some other way. If she does not ask you why things were different between you and her, you may not bother telling her why that was. For one thing, it was your mistake in taking her at her word, so you can’t really blame her that you had no money saved, and so tried to sell the book as a last resort to get some money. You had your faults in it as well. So you can’t go blaming her about it. But if she happened to inquire about what happened, there’s no sense hiding it. You can tell her what happened.

The above is not the perfect analogy, but I think it does serve its purpose. If you haven’t already figured it out, the book is the analogy to our close friendship. Use your imagination for the rest.

Of course, if The Princess read this post, it would only cement her own reasoning for what happened between us. I assure you, dear, that you’re wrong. It’s not what you think. =)

Friends, “Friends” & Close Friends

I have trouble making friends. It’s my nature. I’m not a very friendly person. But turns out that there are people who really value my friendship. Surprising, I know! I’m more surprised than you, I’ll tell you that. I don’t socialize, I’m uncomfortable around people, and I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t know how to carry on a conversation, unless I’m telling them about something that happened to me or getting them to tell me something. Of course, you’ll only see the positives only after I feel comfortable talking to them. If not, I’ll simply ignore them. Yeah, I guess everyone feels that way when they’re befriending someone new.

As for me, I’m not even interested in making new friends. I just can’t be asked. Of course, I’m not so retarded as to believe that I can do everything by myself. I do need people to rely on. I need help at times. Everybody does. And that’s a truth even I believe in, contrary to my uninterest in making friends. I guess my policy on friends is that they’re only there if I want their help. I’m not so harsh as to call them disposable. But I don’t expect my friends to call me up just to hang out and stuff, but if they do call me up because they needed my help, I’d gladly help them, and I wouldn’t expect anything in return other than a simple acknowledgement of my help, and some appreciation for it. I don’t see why it’s wrong for me to ask for their help, thank them after I’ve got it and then be on my way when I don’t expect one to treat me other than what I’ve just described. It’s not like I’m asking for more, am I? Treat people as you want them to treat you, isn’t that how it goes? Simply put, think of it as a one night stand with a mutual understanding. Each gets what they want, which is simply sexual gratification. Once that’s been done, they both go their own ways, and that’s that. No strings attached. Be there when needed, and be on your way once the need has been fulfilled. Simple. I like it, and I do it. I see no problem with it. That’s how I treat all my friends. So, it shouldn’t come as a real surprise for you that I don’t have so many friends, right? Well, turns out that I do have a lot of friends. But my definition of friends includes even those people (whom I remember) who were in the same class as me back in school. Have your laugh. That’s my definition of friends.

Now comes my definition of close friends. Now they are the people who I rely on and who I trust. I don’t treat these select people the way I described above. One big difference between my friends and close friends? I care for my close friends. Don’t really give a damn about the friends, which shouldn’t surprise you since according to you (probably – I’m not a mind reader), I treat them like shit. Yes, I don’t care about my friends. Close friends; them I care about. They’re important to me. And they’re part of my life. I will not have them treating me the way I treat my friends, because I don’t do it to them. Once again, treat them as you want yourself to be treated by them. Now, these close friends of mine, I have/had 4 of them. For the course of the last 3-5 years. Now things are messed up. “Complicated”.

I initially intended to write about how things got messed up between me and my close friends, but the post was starting to get so long that I decided to break it into a couple of posts. The 600 words that I’ve written before this paragraph is intended to give an intro on how I define friends and close friends. I was going to introduce you to them and tell you how things got fucked up between us in the order that our friendships came into question (if it did).

These are the names of my closest friends, in the order I’ve just mentioned. Note that I’ve used aliases for everyone.

#1: The Princess
#2: Mr Bumble Bee
#3: Mrs Bumble Bee
#4: LoverBoy

Note: The above posts are set to be published one after the other, everyday, i.e. one post per day. This is in an effort to not make it such a burden to anyone who reads my blog. Note also that #2 and #3 have been combined into one post titled “My side of the story – Mr & Mrs Bumble Bee” and is posted here.

PS. Can anyone help me with justifying? I can’t seem to find a button to do it. Many thanks.

*edit* thanks to Naina for helping me with the text alignment =)

Blank

I know there’s probably nobody following my blog now. And with good reason, too. I do not mind it. The reason why I created a blog in the first place was to release myself somewhere I would not be judged for my opinions. My opinions on some matters maybe old, controversial, or even harsh. I do not care about what you think. These are my opinions, not yours. I do not make you read what I write or type. You do so at your own will. So don’t complain if what I say does not reflect on your views. This is MY blog. Not yours. MINE. Period.

The reason for my absence was, in short, complicated. But then again, I’m slowly coming to a conclusion that “it’s complicated” is one’s way of simply dismissing addressing problems because they’re overwhelming. I can’t be bothered to explain more right now. Anyway, I guess I can’t say “it’s complicated” and just be done with it, right? If I did that, I’d just be another hypocrite. To be honest, I was dealing with some stuff, and could not spare time to write about it. I did want to though. I did crave to go upto my laptop and type all the fucking ideas in my head. But all in all, I can just say I could not be bothered. Ultimately, that’s what happened. I still haven’t fixed my problems. Now is not the time. I will say this though. I’m scared of losing my friends. I think I’ve already lost most of my closest friends. And it saddens me. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe there is, and I’m too arrogant to do anything. How horrible a person am I to say that I can’t care about how to deal with them right now? Yeah, I know. I am a horrible person. I do agree with you. But I also think that if you were open minded enough to hear me out, you’ll realise that what I say makes sense. You may not like it. But it will make sense. And it will be logical too. I promise you that. But for now, that’s all I can say; I have to get going.

This is the comma, signing out.